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Asking for Self, Female, 28 years old, Faisalabad
Extremely doubt because of loud n abusive husband. Suicidal thoughts and wishes to live a different life. I am mother of 3 toddlers.
Aoa.... you can call me...... through marham...tc
Consult the psychologist near you
what kind of doubts you have? what kind of thoughts you usually have? good and bad both. what kind of life you want? what is holding you back to proceed?
these are some questions which will help you to make your decision without any future regrets.
Patient
Post Owner
Daniyal sir, doubt as in self doubt, my husband keeps telling me how i am a failure in everything, home chores, raising kids, planning any activity ... He blames me for every single thing... Even when m not present he blames me if something goes wrong.
I can't help feeling so low that i want to leave this world as there is no way i could leave him, i have 3 kids
5 years ago
Patient
Post Owner
Sometimes i think as im not earning so i am a burden on him...so whenever i think of getting a job he refuses simply or tells me how i cant manage home,how will i manage a job . so yeah alot of underappreciation n discouragement
5 years ago
U have need of therapy so kindly consalt any experienced clinic psychologist near to u.. InshaAllah things will b clear and ez with in one or two sessions..
I will not sugar coat this for you because its a tough life as is and you need to be very careful because your husband is the abusive kind.
Marriage is a bond of respect and the trust. If you remove either of these two key elements, marriage goes on rocks. From what your short description I can tell he neither respects you nor has the trust element. He doesnt even have shame. You probably know all these things, but you are still maintaining the bond perhaps because of family pressure, fear of his further abuse, better life for children... etc.
But whichever reason you have for staying, your doubt and suicidal thoughts are not going to get better just like that. For some, talking to a confidante helps (think friends, sibling, mother, any male mehram relative, therapist)... and for some, reaching to God helps.
If you decide to go for the first option; i would recommend a sibling or a mehram. If you decide to go for Allah... then best is to pray astaghfaar and Lahol tasbih.
Therapy can clear your mind as well, no doubt, but it comes with a cost and there is always the chance of husband finding out and creating further abuse.
Regarding your suicidal thoughts, live for your children. You don't want them to be left with an abusive father do you? Someone whom you can't stand, how can you bestow the same choice for your beautiful children.
If you wish to live a different life, that means you will need to leave him. If he is abusive then it may mean he holds you back; maybe drains you emotionally, abuses you in bed, hits you, locks you away, doesn't support you financially, cuts away family ties and refuses you to speak or meet with friends, makes you starve, deceives you in hundred ways... so there is just too much which this one word "abuse" could mean.
My suggestion would be to speak to your mehram relatives like mamu, chacha, brothers, father... okay? Seek their guidance. Allah has placed these men in our lives for protection. They are like the thorns on a rose stem... so please seek their help.
I wish you peace and hope.
Patient
Post Owner
The abuse used to be physical in starting 5 years of marriage...but aftr that i told my family abt everything n they took me n my 2 kids in ( i was 8months pregnant with my 3rd)
Aftr 4 months of separation he accepted his faults and convinced me to come home...
Its been a year n half since then...we are back to being a fighting couple...i am staying cz he's a good father...but he blames me for every single fault in his life and verbal abuses are routine...all of my family knows abt him...they say we will help u in whatever u want but im still staying ... But now his abuses are getting in my head and at that time i want everything to end
5 years ago
MSc, MPhil , PhD (Clinical Psychology), Diplomas in Complementary Therapies of Hypnosis, Diplomas in Complementary Therapies of NLP, Diplomas in Complementary Therapies of DBT | Karachi | Book Appointment
40 Positive Reviews
Your husband has the semblance of a sociopath. But you say he is a good father. So maybe he has some other disorder.
These sort get attracted to charm and power and then work towards draining them emotionally, socially, mentally and weaken them to a point of no-return.
These people demotivate, taunt, insult and blame left, right and centre and their main goal is to isolate and make their target dependent on them.
He has weakened you to a point that you question your actions, intentions, and may even start blaming yourself for all the wrong that is happening around you. Believe me, its not you. Its him. He is the problem.
If he was mature and a good person, he would not blame the mother of his children.
I'm sensing a lot of hesitation from you regarding leaving him because naturally its a huge step and it will have massive repercussions and maybe even court cases... (think guardian and ward case, maintenance case at the least) - but it all comes down to this... and I want you to think about these scenarios:
- Is he a good father because he is financially supporting them? Because that's his children's right anyway - so nothing good about that. He's only fulfilling his obligation bestowed on him by Allah. And NOTHING more
- Is he a good father if he is abusing you and setting an example in front of your kids as what, a good man?
- Whatever he is doing and has done to you and with you, would you want your friend to go through it, or your children?
- If you were to die today, in that event, would he still be a good father to his kids? Or would he find a way to hand over the children to his side of family or your side of family.
- If you had 10 lac in your account, you were a practicing lawyer, had a car and driver and even your own flat somewhere - would he still be a good father? Or would he have made you leave the job, taken/borrowed that money, sold the car and made you give the flat to your children?
This should give you a better understanding of him and your situation.
5 years ago
Patient
Post Owner
I was just a step away from filing for divorce but after being stubborn for 4 months I again gave him another chance n went back... Mainly bcz of my kids.
I don't know abt him being a sociopath as he is not only hurting me he is also hurting himself... His health has has been seriously affected with showing all that ghusa... He is also a diabetic. He has zero control over his anger, he even verbally abuse his father when angry. But me being from a home where nobody is EVER abused, I couldnt adjust to all this tensed environment. Our fighting started on the 3rd day of wedding cz of some shadi joras...
Anyway my point is being a good father I mean he knows he has to earn for them and sending them to top school and cares for them, I don't think he will let his children go anywhere even if I die but yeah he will find another mom for them.
I would never want anybody go through what I went through.
As for leaving the job, he doesn't allow me to work out of home. He had online business which I took over after wedding. For 5 years I worked on it alone but not more than an unpaid employee. If I focus on the work my home got neglected and fights became abt house cleanliness. If I focus on that then fights were abt why did we earn less this month. Anyway It became clear we cannot work together so after 3rd child I didn't continue the work n frankly I had no time for it.
What I don't understand is if I'm being impatient and unthankful to my husband? Cz I hv seriously tried to get used to his anger and all the galian he gives me...but I hv failed
5 years ago
MSc, MPhil , PhD (Clinical Psychology), Diplomas in Complementary Therapies of Hypnosis, Diplomas in Complementary Therapies of NLP, Diplomas in Complementary Therapies of DBT | Karachi | Book Appointment
40 Positive Reviews
His issues are his parent's responsibility, just like his Namaz is his own.
Your safety, maintenance, happiness and every little thing of your children's is his responsibility as well. So how much of this is he doing from the beginning?
You are being too generous with a monster. He has failed as a husband, father and even a son. He is setting a bad example for all his kids.
Ultimately it will have to be your decision whether you want to fix him by bending over backwards and breaking yourself even further, or leave him to himself. But keep in mind, he is not your responsibility.
You, however, need to go into counseling to shift your thinking patter and all the wrong things he has been conditioning you with.
Do not doubt yourself otherwise it will eat you from inside and you will feel more rotten.
5 years ago
Patient
Post Owner
It is eating me from inside but Its not possible for me to go out to a psychologist without my husband knowing. If he even know abt this me talking on online forum abt him, he will think m backbiting against him and it will be very bad. He already thinks m against him and thinks m ruining his life
5 years ago
Thoughts can b changed. Everything will b changed InshaAllah but you need to stay calm and discuss everything with your father or brother and someone who close to you after this consult any Psychologist. Allah will b help to you.
consult with psychologist... you can call me
u can consult me through Marham
2196 Positive Reviews