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Life is beautiful. It hasn’t been good for very long. It feels great to gain control over it finally. I wish I could have done it earlier, but it wasn’t easy. You must be confused as, why I didn’t see you for long. The truth is I was ashamed, I was scared, and I was traumatized. I was afraid of even you, and I was afraid of opening up and being judged, I am a rape survivor after all.
I have been hiding something from you for months. I wanted to tell you, but I wasn’t in a state to do so. But guess what, I am here to tell you something that will make you feel proud of me.
I was not brave enough to write it or say it aloud, but I always was sane and strong enough not to let myself fall into a dark abyss. I kept myself alive and sane. I won’t say it was easy by any means, but I made it possible. The night still haunts me. I still scream at night and get cold sweats. I still feel his hands crawling on my body, but I am back on track. I wonder how many girls succeed in getting over it and living again. I hope they are not only a few. I hope and wish that I help many others do what I did for myself.
I won’t recall the nightmare-like reality again, but believe me, it was dark. There is nothing that I will remember more in my life than my trip to my uncles’. With the excitement of visiting the Quaid-e-Azam monument and the parliament house, I was eager to visit Islamabad and spend a week with my uncle. He was excited to see me too. I am like his daughter, after all. But was I? Right before the very moment, it felt like I was.
Suddenly he grabbed my hand and pinned me down, the rest I don’t want to recall, but you know what happened. Skipping the details, I just want to tell you all the reasons that will make you feel proud of me.
I Kept It As It Is
I was lying there senseless. He was long gone. Couldn’t keep track of time, but I knew hours had passed. The moment I gained my senses back, I wanted to wash the feeling away. I turned on the shower too, but just before getting under it, something struck me. The thought that washing it all away will not only make me forget the incident but the world too stopped me from getting under the shower. I didn’t wash myself, I didn’t wash the sheets, and I didn’t clean the floor.
I wanted others to read my story written on those things. I wanted them to see that I didn’t ask for it. Guess what? Blinded by anger and sorrow, my decision was right. The police did get all the evidence they needed later because I preserved it.
I Sought Immediate Help
I wanted to shout, but I don’t remember if I wanted people to hear my screams or not? I either wanted to die or needed arms that would hold me so tight that nothing could ever touch me again. It was some magical strength that took me to the next-door neighbour. I wasn’t in my senses, but I didn’t lose it completely.
The neighbour was a doctor, and you know what she did? She took me to the pharmacy and got me a morning-after-pill. I didn’t remember what she gave me until she recently told me herself.
I often wonder how many girls think of it? I know that they are not in a state to think, but how many people around them know about it, and how many go for it? Living with the trauma itself is haunting, imagine living with a living proof of it?
I Reported It
You know that no one wanted me to get the heinous act reported, but I did. I don’t remember what took over me, but I got it reported with the help of my messiah of a neighbour. She called the 1043 helpline exclusive for women. It was a wise decision, I felt safe talking to women, and shockingly, the police are not as bad as they seem. They did help me. All I had to do was take the first step of getting it reported.
I wish I could tell others too that getting it reported and seeing the beast on trial does help in healing. It gives you peace and satisfaction that the person who took it all from you has something taken away from him too. He is no more preying on others like you. Your one act of valour can protect thousands.
I Got Therapy
What a deadly combination it is indeed? I got raped, and I got therapy. Doesn’t this make me an anomaly in society? Well, it did, but it is my life, and I had to take control over it. Truth be told, I had no one by my side. Everyone wanted to silence me. They wanted me to live again, but after forgetting and hiding what happened. I wanted to forget the feeling, but I always wanted to remember what happened. It was my survivor story, after all.
Do you know what made me the strong, resilient woman that I am today? My sane mind. And what kept my mind sane was the therapy I sought to get over the trauma. It made me get over the trauma but let me remember enough to make me feel proud of myself for how I handled it.
There was a time when I didn’t want to leave my room, I used to get suicidal thoughts, but I don’t anymore. I have come to terms with the fact that one night or one incident does not define me. I shouldn’t be the one to take the blame for it. I did nothing wrong, so why should I bear the brunt of someone’s else crime.
My therapy helped me get over PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder). I wish I could scream the importance of therapy to the world. I wish I could tell girls that simply talking to a friend won’t help them get over the trauma. They need medical assistance to keep a healthy mind. No therapy will make them forget it all, but it will teach them to live with it. The incident always haunts, but it no more will make them not want to live anymore.
I Will Preach
I wish I were this brave when it all happened. But I will go easy on myself. The experience was dark and traumatic, and I needed time to heal and time to stand again. Now that I am in a better state, I plan to say it all loud. I want girls to know that they are worthy and will always remain worthy even if others tell them otherwise.
Losing all your senses after such an incident is only natural, but I want them to be strong enough to take the necessary steps after. I want them to stand firm and not hide in a cocoon. So dear diary, I promise you today that just after a few months, I will be saying this on a stage, maybe with some shivers and tears, but I will be saying it all loud.
With this, I put aside the torn page of an old diary I found while looking for my assignment in my teachers’ office. So this is what Ms Mehwish always wanted to talk about. This is what made her so nervous backstage. Now she is ready to share it all, and the best part is she has her husband and her daughter here too.
Standing there setting her mic, I saw a cape behind her. I think of her as a Super Woman because not all heroes wear capes. Some wear their scars with confidence too.
Right now, I am quoting that piece of paper that changed my perspective and guided me on how to act if, God forbid, anything of the sort happens to me. I want others to quote it too. I want others to learn from it and seek all the help they need. I know it’s hard, but I want girls to seek therapy and consult a psychologist to come to terms with what they have been through and take control over their life again.
1. Why is it important to take the morning-after pill?
It is important to take the contraceptive pill after any such incident to avoid possible pregnancy.
2. How to get such an incident reported?
The 1043 helpline exclusive to women only can help you in such cases.
3. Why is psychological therapy important for rape victims?
It is the most important treatment for a rape victim as it helps in overcoming PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder)
Book an appointment now, to answer all your queries. You can book an appointment with the best psychologists in Pakistan through Marham by calling at Marham helpline: 0311-1222398 or by online booking facility through the website or Marham mobile app.
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